tristesse

had a negative revelation this weekend. realized all of my hopes and dreams will never happen. concrete reality; they will never happen. i spent 70 dollars on gasoline just so i could drive home, against my will, and cry. none of this would have happened if i'd stayed at school. the revelation would have come sooner or later (probably a lot later) and i could have spent more of my youth in happy ignorance, hoping and dreaming. now, right before my 21st birthday, which is supposed to be the ultimate rave of a young adult's life, i am leeched of all i deemed good and important in my future.

that, and it was a total waste of a weekend, none of my work is done, and i feel so much less loved than ever before. this reminds me of high school days, but i don't know that high school ever got this bad. this is the worst. this is the material that makes me want a gun with 1 bullet. i don't see any point in continuing, now that i know what i'm looking forward to, except i have to. if i cease to be, then heavy loads fall on others, and that would be worse than taking the easy out.

i just want to be happy but at this time i am completely incapable. this couldn't have happened at a worser time. no good time for such a circumstance as this, but there is a worst time and this is it.

next time you see me, kick me so that i might fall over. it will remind me of who i am and the wide nothing i have to look forward to. please. i'm begging you. remind me. now that i know i have to always be conscious of it.

Che bella.

I miss this thing.

Just went for a run. Short run. 10 minutes. I have terrible endurance. But I still feel good.

Haven't done any work but that's bound to change after I shower. Or shower jam, as it were, because I am going to blast my music, whether my housemates like it or not.

All I've done today is watch Cougar Town, put up pictures, and text Beatles lyrics back and forth with my friend.

Had mixed signals and a sensitive misunderstanding with a friend the other night. And last night he would barely talk to me. This has not happened before. I thought he was through with me, and he thought I was through with him. This was not the case either way, and yet somehow that's what it came to. I don't really want to deal with it- I have a friend who loves to mediate and mend things, so I'm just gonna count on her to help me. I totally ruin things when I talk, anyhow. I just don't really know how it happened- we're both goofs and now we're both sad. What?

Shower jam time. Then maybe I will do some work. Gack.

Girly post,

luxegirl

Primal Scream

Dark chocolate Kitkat. Bay breeze. Clean hair. Good buddy. This evening is shaping up real nice, despite my little cold.

Think about that English kid every day. I shouldn't, but I do. That's my life, innit. "I shouldn't, but I do."

"I shouldn't eat 4 pieces of refrigerated cookie dough every day, but I do."

"I shouldn't take crap from people at work because I am valuable and deserve better, but I do."

"I shouldn't compare myself to animated characters because their lives/hair is infinitely sweeter than mine, but I do."

But I do good for myself, too. I like to think there's an equilibrium hidden in me somewhere. Most often I can't feel it but it has to be there, otherwise I'd be dead dog right now.

Was reading an old People magazine last night, but I didn't realize it was old so I was really astonished at all the stuff going on. Then I got to the Heath Ledger dying article and realized this wasn't exactly new stuff.

Made 2 cds for my best fran last night. Put on some lame/sweet cover art.

Ordered checks today! Exciting because it makes me feel like a grown up.

Wearing red and black plaid in late spring. Not very me, but I like the top and I do what I want to do when I want to do it. That is something I generally like about myself.

Everything is so beautiful.

luxegirl